My Broken Heart's Lament

     I am trying to write a happier blog entry. I clear my mind from everything and listen to the beat of my heart. I realized that even if it is broken, it beats just the same.

     I almost think I am perfectly happy until now that I listen to my heart, I wasn't all along. All the sadness is here, hiding in the deepest corner of my very heart. There's emptiness inside. Every single beat feels like there's something missing.

     I think I know why I feel this way. I am hurting. But I try to pretend I'm alright. So that he won't worry anymore because I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

     I remember exactly how he welcomed me to his life. That's the very thing I hold on to. His words and his voice are the things that keep me hoping and holding on.

     I stare at the sky and realize how far away he is. I should never be like this because no matter how I wish, the distance between the two of us would never be any less.

     I know for certain that I am not alright. I only say I am so that he’d stop asking. To stop him from worrying. "We don't know what the future brings." His words keep playing in my head. It creeps through my veins, making my soul imbecile. I am not sure why I am afraid of the future. Maybe I'm just scared that he'd be gone one day. I'm not ready yet.

     I remember the night when I was in Mr. Schwebler's wake. I wondered if he died happy, if he ever lived his dreams. I came in to thinking of my own dreams. The dream I always have.  And I thought I don't want to go right now. Not at this point in time.

     I close my eyes and listen to my heart again. Hoping there could be some happier thoughts inside. But still there's something missing. I never was perfectly happy all along.

     I relax my body and listen to the sound of my heartbeat. I free my mind from the outside world; I think it's time to listen my broken heart's lament. And there I was, lying in a dark room, hearing a loud beating sound. I think i am inside my own heart. The beat is deafening me. But it isn't just the beat. It sings a name. And suddenly, i knew what's missing.

      I open my eyes and find myself lying in my bed. The sky is getting dark outside my window. I feel exhausted. My legs are numb. I don't know if I really was inside my own heart or if it was just a dream.

     I put my hand over my chest. And now I know exactly what it says. Every beat sings one name. And I know what it means. I found the missing piece of the puzzle. It is on the other side of earth. And I know why I felt incomplete. It's because I don't want to die without even touching his face.