Bittersweet

     They say 'love is just around the corner'. If that is true, maybe I was running around in circles.

     Who would've thought I'd fall in love with this guy this much? I, myself couldn't believe. I never wanted to fall in love again. Not now that I am in the process of moving on from my first heartbreak. I tried to catch myself out of this falling-in-love-again scenario. But my plans didn't work out right. I woke up one morning already in love with him. Every day, I learn to love him more. Little did I know that this is going to be another catastrophe.

     I used to say I have all the best people in my life. Best siblings, best friends, best Lola. . . I guess having the best things in life entitles you to have the worst heartaches. Things don’t always have to be the best. I mean. I'm neither a perfect person nor a good person. Only good people deserve something good in return. But I guess this is too much. This hurts like hell. I want to hate myself for feeling this way. Because I always want to think that I am strong. That I won't get hurt easily. That it would be hard to make me cry. But when things got to have something to do about him, I get so weak. I get spineless. I get so naive.

     Of all the things that he told me, my most favorite is the one he said on the fourth of May. And what hurts me the most is that I realize now that it was not me he was telling it to. It was not me he fell in love with to start with. I've just learned he never fell in love with me. He never will. We're two paralleled lines that would never meet poles at all. No matter how I'd try, our lines will never cross.

     I keep thinking about him in desperation. Thinking how would it be to be with him. Singing him songs that I wrote, watching him sleep, and dreaming with him. It hurts me. Thinking about all these stuff, it burns! Just the thought of being with him is like fitting a square in to a circle. It's impossible. He's not even thinking of me. Neither did I ever cross his mind. He would never be my knight-in-shining-armor. Ironic for he's my world and his world would go on turning without me. What can I do? Maybe we're just not meant for each other. I hate the way he laughed and the way he talked to me. Because I know that wasn’t me he was talking to. Those sweet words were not for me. My heart beats so loud that I couldn't hear myself scream. And every beat burns. . . I wish them to stop. But I'm learning to love this feeling; the bitter-sweet feeling of loving him. It's driving me insane. At the very least, I've learned to love again.

     My love for him is like the rain. Rain comes when you least expect it. Sometimes it's gone, but i know it's just up there. Like what I feel for him. I know he's a part of me; he's just here in my heart. I guess I'll be like this forever, holding on, until my clouds let me go.

     Bittersweet. I love the feeling of this. The wonderful feeling of dying again. Resting in peace. Thinking of nothing but pitch-black. Keeping my brain idle. This is how this is — loving him.

     If ever I had the chance to live again — just in case — I would want to just sit beside him. Like how the tree stands beside the river. It's nice to just watch him all my life. I'd still wait for him, patiently. Like the seabird that loved the sun and flew towards it until she died, I'll try to reach him. Someday we'll be together. Someday he'll love me too.