Nothing To Win And So Much Left To Lose



17-August-2016
5:46 PM
Dear Diary,
People say that in this life, you will win some and lose some. But why do I still take the risk of losing a lot of things when I know that I will win nothing at all? I realize I will never win but I still play the game. The game I am really bad at. The game where I always lose. The game that no matter how hard I try not to be a part of, it seems like I have no choice. I just woke up one day and I find myself unwillingly a part of the game and on that very moment I realize I will lose. Why do I still go on? Why do I still carry on with that fucked up game when I still had the choice not to. At the back of my head, I still have that glimpse of hope that maybe this time around, I have the chance. The truth is that I have 99.99% chance of losing but I still have the faith on the 0.01% that is left on me. I am not sure, maybe I think that I can somehow change his mind. Maybe I am just really stupid to believe in miracles. Maybe it’s just that I watch too much Rom-Com movies that I incorporate cheesy love stories with the real life. Or maybe it’s just in my nature to keep believing even if there is nothing there to keep my faith on. He told me to always think positive. Maybe that’s why I still have this wishful thinking up in my sleeves. The same wishful thinking that makes me believe that one day he will give me the chance.
Every passing day I fall deeper in love with him. And while I’m falling more and more in love, he is being pushed more and more away. It feels like every step I take closer to him, he takes two steps away that sometimes I think not to go further while the distance between us is still bearable. But all the time I tell myself to stop, I’m still looking back on what’s left on me. 0.01%, that means I still have hope. So I take the risk. I know he is pissed off sometimes when I’m being a little too sweet. He is very vocal about that. But he is right, I am just naturally sweet, corny for him but that’s the way I am. And I apologize for the times he feels like I am being a hopeless romantic. He told me not to be too pushy, to never force it. I apologize for trying too hard to win his heart. I’m really sorry for still loving him. This is the only thing that is real to me right now. I’m sorry but I cannot stop. What I can do is try not to show him, or not to make him feel it. That’s going to be the best that I can do because I cannot really go to a halt right now, at least not at this moment. Maybe someday I will but for now I’m gonna die if I stop. You know that thing they say about drastically quitting your addiction? It’s like that, he is my addiction and withdrawal syndrome will fuck me up if I quit. It’s like I’m driving 90 miles per hour and he would suddenly pull the hand break without notice.
I would lie if I’ll say I’m okay if he is not gonna love me back because I will never be okay without him in my life. But I can live without being okay. I can deal with being miserable as long as I still have him to talk to. It’s okay that I have to keep this feeling to myself because all I want is to still have him. I can’t tell myself that it’s okay because it’s not. I can’t make myself believe that things will be better because this is not going to be good enough until he say he loves me too. I don’t need to pretend I’m fine because that will only make me more miserable inside. So I will just carry on with my life with the situation that I am already in. I don’t want to push this more because I am really scared that might push him away. I am not going to force this because I don’t want to give him any reason to hate me more. Things will never be as simple as 1 plus 1. As much as I hate to admit it, things are messed up for me. But that is not going to make me stop loving him. That’s what I’m gonna do. I am not going to stop loving him, I’ll just stop being so transparent. I know that’s better than telling him every day and getting my heart broken each time he shrugs it off. Besides, I already told him that my greatest fear is to learn one day that he already found someone. This is going to be a very good training ground for me so when that day comes I already know how to hide my feelings. That way he will not worry about me. I don’t want to worry him, or make him feel bad. I always want him to be happy. I don’t want him to think I am not okay.
“In life, you win some and lose some.” But for me it’s more like “In life, we win some, lose more but we learn more”. See, I still keep in mind what he always tells me. To always think positive. To learn how to be happy with the things we have. This is not going to be an easy journey for me but it’s fine as long as he is still here with me. I don’t want to say that I can be just a friend to him because I know I can’t be just like that. What I’m going to do is to keep it to myself instead. I’m gonna miss saying that, though. I am the kind of person who likes to say what I feel. And I always want to say I love him because the feeling I have for him is too much for me to keep inside, I just always want to spill it out. But maybe it’s better this way. Wow! How many times did I use that line? “It’s better this way” is on top of my overused words list. But what can I do? There are times in life that I just have to make myself believe that things are better the way people want it. Some would say that this is my life and I should be the one in control of it. I hate to break it to them but he is my life and I will have it the way he wants me to.
I will be contented of looking at him from a distance, watching him smile because it’s better that way. I will be happy hearing him tell me how his day went and falling in love with every word he say but never let myself tell him how adorable it is because it’s better that way. I will look forward to hearing his laughter everyday and fall in love with him more and find his laughter the cutest thing on earth but I will not let him know that because it’s better that way. I will always love him and not expect that he will love me back.. it’s better that way.

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